Update... brace yourself its not pretty

To be completely honest I feel like most of the time I have nothing noteworthy to report. All the new I have has to be with someone just dying, the anniversary of some one's death, or someone is in the hospital. We celebrated my little brother's 20th birthday on the 11th but my dad being emitted to the hospital put a little bit of a damper on things. I made a complete fool out of myself in front of the Bill Gates of Paul Mitchell on the 14th, it wasn't pretty lets not talk about it. My teacher at school got married and I made her wedding cake. It was a lot of work but totally worth it cause my mother taught me how to make cakes and I think the end result would have made her proud. She wanted a simple cake to go along with her relatively simple but elegant and beautiful wedding. The wedding happened to be on the 18th which is the two year anniversary of my brother Nathan's death. It was a hard day but the cake helped to keep my mind off of things. After dropping off the cake to the reception my little brother and I went to go visit my dad who is STILL in the hospital. We originally took him in because he was retaining water which is not good for someone with congestive heart failure. As we went to go visit we found out that he had an infection that spread to his blood stream, muscle spasms that left him basically crippled, and had to have surgery on his wrist. I was upset seeing all that was going on with my dad and wondered why the doctor had not kept us informed. I walked with my brother to the nurses station and asked if I could talk to the physician that was on duty her reply was, " well.... sure.... but is your mom with you?" I quickly replied "my mom is dead you're gonna have to talk to me" I understand I look young for my age but really? He is still in the hospital but we are hoping he will be home soon. Other then that not much to report.... oh yeah and I have strep throat!

I was talking to Ethan last night about how I really sound like a depressing person and that our lives at this point in time are mildly depressing. I am not depressed I enjoy my life. I just feel that the LDS population or our generation has redefined the meaning of the word "blog" Our blogs seen to be filled with nothing but the positive wonderful great things in our lives and nothing that is real. I find most blogs depressing because all they say is how wonderful everyone one Else's lives are and I feel they paint a unreal picture perfect world. Come on people I know you have bad days be honest. Lets here about the bad days once in awhile at least so I don't feel so bad. =)

Nathan Adams

My siblings and I paying tribute to our brother by "mooning" the casket.... if you new him you would understand

The wedding cake I made

Tagged

Ok so I was reading my cute friend Kellee's blog and she tagged me. So here it goes...

8 TV Shows You Watch...

1. What Not to Wear
2. The Hills
3. What Not to Wear
4. Project Runway
5. America's Next Top Model
6. What Not to Wear
7. CSI
8. and What Not to Wear

Favorite Restaurants...

1. DONUT WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!
2. Cafe Rio
3. Macaroni Grill
4. Red Robin
5. Fresco
6. Wynn Buffet
7. Bueno Vita
8. My mom's kitchen.... No one could top my moms cooking...

Things that Happened Yesterday...

1.Went to school
2. Went shopping with Ruby
3. Lost/got my wallet stolen in forever 21
4. Searched for my wallet
5. Didn't find my wallet
6. Went to dinner with hubby and friends
7. Had sleep over with Ruby
8. Was pissed about getting my wallet stolen

8 Thing I Look Forward To...

1. The first time I feel my moms presence around me when I need her the most
2. Financial stability
3. Being done with school
4. Making something of myself
5. Having children
6. Having more time with my husband
7. Buying my first house
8. Being with all my family again in heaven

8 Things On My Wish List...

1. Being with my mom and brother again
2. Everything on previous top eight
3. Being able to buy something without worry about cost
4. For my sister to move back to Utah
5. Being a top make-up and hair artist
6. For my husband to be successful
7. To always be happy
8. To go on vacation with just me and my husband

Time for a Change

I chopped off all of my hair, bleached most of it, and dyed some purple... what do you think?

I couldn't help it

So my little brother recently had surgery on his wrist. He had to write a paper for his english class and needless to say found typing quite difficult. So naturally he asked me to help. He had to write about one incident that completely changed his life. He chose to write about my mom. Well I couldn't help it I basically wrote the paper for him. (don't tell his teacher)

It was August of 2006 when one doctors appointment determined how my life would be for the next couple of years. She had not been feeling well for sometime but you couldn’t tell by her attitude. It was the last day of my Eagle Scout project and we had been working hard all day. The phone rang; the doctor called to set up an appointment and asked my mother and father to come in to talk. Ovarian cancer is a funny thing. It is nearly impossible to detect and in my mom’s case was detected too late. She didn’t tell me right away. She made a statement while we were driving, “you won’t be able to do that when I am not here.“ I asked question after question until my dad pulled the car over and she looked at me and said, “I have cancer.“ The word “cancer” left me confused. I knew cancer was an illness and I knew what I had seen on television but I had no idea how physically, emotionally, and mentally it would be on all of my family. She had in stage, stage five ovarian cancer and the time frame was short. They gave her six months to a year to live. Six months to a year for any other person but doctor did not know my how stubborn my mother was.
Times where hard. My days where spent in hospitals, chemo appointments, and doctors visits. The first chemo session put her in the hospital for two weeks. The tumor that was the size of two softballs had let out a poison into her body that nearly took her life. Infectious disease teams where brought in from around the state to help her. Her next surgery took place in November of 2006. She has over 30 pounds of internal organs removed that had been attacked by the cancer. She spent a month in the hospital and 53 staples and a lot of pain later she was able to return home. Two tubes remained in her side for the next month to help drain any infection from where her spleen was. It took her three months to be strong enough to go back on chemo. Another tumor the size of a softball formed where her spleen used to be and put her back in the hospital for surgery. Chemo attacks the fast growing cells and makes the healing time slower. It took her months to recover from the surgeries she had been through.
The next little while was full of ups and downs. She tried chemo after chemo and nothing seemed to be working. It was inevitable, there was no cure for the cancer but she refused to give up. She took every punch the cancer had to give her and then just turned the other cheek. She had the philosophy that you are only given what you can handle and she was ready for the challenge. She continued to do the things she wasn’t supposed to. She went camping, fishing, shopping, and even learned to quilt. She just decided that she was going to be herself with or without cancer. It was around July 2008 that things took a dramatic turn for the worse. Chemo has a tendency to upset the stomach and cause vomiting. Although vomiting is normal my mom started to throw up everything that she ate. After some convincing she let me take her to the hospital to make sure that everything was alright. I wasn’t ready for what happened next. She had tumors in her bowls that caused an obstruction. The obstruction didn’t allow any food to pass through her small or large intestines. The doctor said that this was it. She refused to believe it was true and with a tube through her noise pumping out the contents of her stomach and with no food or water for a total of three days she took her last round of chemo. The pain finally was too much to bear. She called my family into her hospital room and with eyes swollen with tears and a crack in her voice asked, “would you be disappointed with me if I gave up?” It wasn’t the doctors appointment, or the news of my mom getting cancer that changed my life it was those words. A couple of small words changed my life and the lives of my family forever.
It was August 7, 2008 when my mother died in our house on hospice. She doubled the time frame she was given and she did it with spunk and humor. She was strong, stubborn, independent, loud, obnoxious, rude, and completely priceless; she was my best friend.

Executive Decision

So after setting up for a school event today I and about five other girls that were in charge had some down time so we just sat down and started talking. The conversation was good and it was a great way to get extra hours for school. Then some of the girls started talking about another girl they know whos brother had died awhile ago and how she was doing. They started saying things like, "well she smiles all the time and acts like she is fine but that makes me wonder if she is even dealing with it at all." The conversation then went into death and how people deal with death and death death death death. How people feel about death and how it must feel to have someone die. I haven't really told many people I go to school with or many people in general about the recent death of my mother. I don't want to use my mothers death as an excuse to get sympathy or to have people feel sorry for me. So as they were talking about the subject of death I just sat in my chair and stared off trying not to let the topic effect my emotions. Then my heart started to pound really hard and my palms got sweaty and started to shake. Then my chest got tight and it was hard to breathe. I stood up and ran to the other room to find a bag; I totally had a panic attack. After I was able to calm down I just started to cry. My teacher, who is only two years older then me, followed me into the room and preceded to apologize; to my surprise she new what happened to my mom and felt horrible for bringing the subject up. After a little while I was able to calm down. I am not sure why I got so upset and reacted the way I did but I felt like a totally idiot. Throughout the rest of the day I was not able to stop thinking about the event. My heart hurts. I miss my friend, my mentor, my source of advice, I miss my mom. I made the executive decision tonight that I have two options. One, I can let the loss of my mother effect me in a negative way or two, I can let it effect me in a positive way. I choose two. My mother was strong, independent, influential, loving, and completely priceless to me. I have decided that I am going to spend my time and talents trying to make her proud. I have talked to my husband, said some prayers, got advice from my sister and set goals for myself. I am going to do the honors program at school and get the most out of my tuition. I am going to run at least three times a week until I can prove to Ethan I am serious and then I will get a gym membership. I am going to start to read; my sister said she would read with me. I am going to start to take better care of myself like I promised my mom I would. I want to be the best me I can be. I am what is left of my mom and I have some big shoes to fill but I know I can do it.

She is everything I want to be

who knows

Life is a little wierd lately. Each day seems to repeat itself throghout the week; the same thing everyday for everyday of the week. Wake up, go to school, stay at school for 8 hours, come home, make dinner, clean house, say prayer, go to bed, repeat. I like to read other peoples blogs to keep myself up to date with the wonderful lives of my friends. I like to see how other peoples lives are going and I am so happy for them but I have to admitt at times I get a little descouraged. The blogs I read are full of "we went here" "we bought this" "we went on this date" "my baby is due" "my baby did" "life is wonderful.... I feel like I never have anything positive to report. My life is filled with trying to scrape by, 40 hours of school a week, dealing with death, and taking care of my dad. I realize that no ones life is perfect and I am grateful for the life that I have I just feel like I am Peter Pan; I am the only one not progressing and stuck where I am in life. Sometimes blogs depress me. I just had a long phone conversation with my sister about this subject she too feels that at time the grass seems greener on the other side. I love my husband and my family I just seems like it always has to get worse before it can get better.

An update on the last couple of weeks....

My dad is so feakin cute

Back at beauty school

My sister came to visit

Pics of me and all my boys

I was asked to be a model for a photo shoot for a student of paul mitchell. The theme was a mermaid so that is what these wierd pics of me are. It was fun to play model for the day but it hurt like crazy to take off. The real photoshoot is coming up soon so we will see how it goes.

And Life Goes On

So I did it. I have but aside my days of sleeping in and spending time with family and gone back to school. I have to admit I was worried to go back; I had left so abruptly and with no warning I was worried about what they would say. What is someone at school, besides the girls I consider close friends, reads this blog? Well everything went fine. No one at school knows and if they do they haven't said anything which I think is wonderful. It is hard to readjust back to going to school 40 a week but I am loving the distraction school provides. Ethan has been gone this past week in Seattle Washington doing training for his new job. I have to admit life is more entertaining when he is home. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder well it is true. I know he has only been gone for a few days but I keep having dreams that he has died too and it makes sleeping at night a little frustrating.