Saturday, November 27, 2010

The Impossible Made Possible

If a heart could explode from gratitude mine would. There are absolutely no words that can describe the humility I feel today. I have a strong testimony that trials are the biggest blessings we can be given on this earth. We were sent here to be tested and to grow. It is through trials that we are tested to our limits and given the opportunity and privilege to grow and learn.
I had until the end of November to clean out my dads house. Unlike when my mother passed I have no where to put my Father's belongings. The stuff he owned needed to be sorted, divided and sold. My sister and I have been over at my dads house almost everyday the last month and made some good headway. The big problem was time. Today in November 27, which mean I had three day to accomplish what seemed like the impossible.
I have always had a hard time asking and accepting help. I guess it is a combination of the fact that I feel guilt easily and that I am just too prideful. Today I learned what humility and selflessness was. I mentioned at my work a few days ago that I could use some help. Today as I was working on my Dad's house my co-workers, my co-workers husbands and brothers, even my students showed up to help me. They accomplished in one day what I had been trying to do all month. I was so humbled and full of gratitude today I thought my heart would burst. These people have no clue the service they did for me today. They did not just clean out my Dad's house but they taught me a lesson. They taught me charity, the pure love of Christ. They taught me what true selflessness is. My sister got the my Dad's house later in the day. As she walked into the house and saw what had been accomplish all she could do was cry. My brothers did the same. I am a truly blessed individual.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Getting Ready for the Gravy Meltdown

I have a love hate relationship with Thanksgiving. I have the greatest memories of getting up at eight with my mom, who had been up since four. In our matching red aprons we would rock out to oldies and bake up a storm. My mom was from Mississippi and she believed that everything had to be from scratch. We would slice and dice and I would try to take notes. She always cooked for an army. We never cooked less the two 24lb birds because she thought that everyone should be able to take some home. The gravy was her specialty. She made it from scratch and NEVER used corn starch. She would make a roue' with oil and flour and whisk it until it was brown, then she would add the drippings from the turkey and the starch water from the potatoes and season to taste. It was never too salty or lumpy. It was so good you could feel your arteries tense just by smelling it! I made the mistake of not taking the time to write down my moms recipes before she passed. Now it is my job to make everything from scratch and get up at four with out her. All in all I think I do a pretty good job. I am not intimidated by a 24lbs turkey and I also believe everything should be made from scratch. But when it comes to the gravy..... every year ends with a gravy meltdown. I try to make the gravy as my mom did but I can never seem to get it just right. For some reason the gravy always end with me sitting on the floor, ladle in hand, crying. Ethan knows this happens and it always prepared. He watches me throughout the day cooking and tasting waiting for the gravy to come. Then with tissues in hand he sits on the floor with me and just lets me cry.
As I started baking pies today I was hit with the reality of how blessed I am. I have wonderful memories with my mom which is more then some can say. She taught me well. I have a sweet husband who without judgment or getting annoyed lets me cry over gravy. And even if I do not get it right this year I always have next year to try again. I have brothers who wont eat Thanksgiving anywhere else because only I can make it like mom used to. I am a very blessed individual.
Today is my mom's birthday and I have decided to celebrate with some oldies a red apron and some of her favorite recipes. Happy Birthday Mom and thank you for everything.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I have learned....

I have learned guilt is the emotion I feel more then any other. I feel guilt more then fear, sadness, even love. It is also my least favorite emotion to have. I keep wondering what if. I keep feeling like I could have done more or should have done less. I feel guilty. I hurt. I lost someone I looked up to; someone I loved dearly. I had a chance to save him and I couldn't. I watched him start to turn blue. I felt his ribs break under my palms as I pumped his chest on our front lawn and pleaded to God not to take him. I watched as the paramedics took over the CPR and the neighbors came out of their houses and watched. The entire world slowed down as fell to my knees in front of the world and violently pleaded with my Father in Heaven to let me be selfish and keep him. I have learned please is not a word that works. He was ready to take him but I was not ready to let him go. I rode with him in the ambulance because I could not bare the fact of him being alone. I have learned that even though your world stops everyone else's continues one.
I have learned that the day of the funeral is not the hardest part it is the nights afterwords. Sleeping is the hardest because you can't, and if you do it is not for long because history has a tendency to repeat itself in dreams. I relive that day in my head every night, just in case the once wasn't enough.
I have learned that it is the little things that you miss the most. I miss his laugh the most. Jokes are not as funny and movies are not as fun without that laugh. I miss him. He used to tell me I got prettier every day, I miss that.
I have learned that the Lord has a plan and it is ok for me to know the when and where but not the why. Why did he have to take him? Why did I loose my Brother, Mother, and Father in four years time. Why do I get to feel guilty all the time? I have learned that despite the why I have faith. I have faith that through the atonement of Christ that I will be with my family again. I have faith that trials are the biggest blessing we could get. I have faith that someday I will look back and be happy for this time in my life.
I have learned that is possible to smile on the outside while crying on the inside.