So after setting up for a school event today I and about five other girls that were in charge had some down time so we just sat down and started talking. The conversation was good and it was a great way to get extra hours for school. Then some of the girls started talking about another girl they know whos brother had died awhile ago and how she was doing. They started saying things like, "well she smiles all the time and acts like she is fine but that makes me wonder if she is even dealing with it at all." The conversation then went into death and how people deal with death and death death death death. How people feel about death and how it must feel to have someone die. I haven't really told many people I go to school with or many people in general about the recent death of my mother. I don't want to use my mothers death as an excuse to get sympathy or to have people feel sorry for me. So as they were talking about the subject of death I just sat in my chair and stared off trying not to let the topic effect my emotions. Then my heart started to pound really hard and my palms got sweaty and started to shake. Then my chest got tight and it was hard to breathe. I stood up and ran to the other room to find a bag; I totally had a panic attack. After I was able to calm down I just started to cry. My teacher, who is only two years older then me, followed me into the room and preceded to apologize; to my surprise she new what happened to my mom and felt horrible for bringing the subject up. After a little while I was able to calm down. I am not sure why I got so upset and reacted the way I did but I felt like a totally idiot. Throughout the rest of the day I was not able to stop thinking about the event. My heart hurts. I miss my friend, my mentor, my source of advice, I miss my mom. I made the executive decision tonight that I have two options. One, I can let the loss of my mother effect me in a negative way or two, I can let it effect me in a positive way. I choose two. My mother was strong, independent, influential, loving, and completely priceless to me. I have decided that I am going to spend my time and talents trying to make her proud. I have talked to my husband, said some prayers, got advice from my sister and set goals for myself. I am going to do the honors program at school and get the most out of my tuition. I am going to run at least three times a week until I can prove to Ethan I am serious and then I will get a gym membership. I am going to start to read; my sister said she would read with me. I am going to start to take better care of myself like I promised my mom I would. I want to be the best me I can be. I am what is left of my mom and I have some big shoes to fill but I know I can do it.
She is everything I want to be