Executive Decision

So after setting up for a school event today I and about five other girls that were in charge had some down time so we just sat down and started talking. The conversation was good and it was a great way to get extra hours for school. Then some of the girls started talking about another girl they know whos brother had died awhile ago and how she was doing. They started saying things like, "well she smiles all the time and acts like she is fine but that makes me wonder if she is even dealing with it at all." The conversation then went into death and how people deal with death and death death death death. How people feel about death and how it must feel to have someone die. I haven't really told many people I go to school with or many people in general about the recent death of my mother. I don't want to use my mothers death as an excuse to get sympathy or to have people feel sorry for me. So as they were talking about the subject of death I just sat in my chair and stared off trying not to let the topic effect my emotions. Then my heart started to pound really hard and my palms got sweaty and started to shake. Then my chest got tight and it was hard to breathe. I stood up and ran to the other room to find a bag; I totally had a panic attack. After I was able to calm down I just started to cry. My teacher, who is only two years older then me, followed me into the room and preceded to apologize; to my surprise she new what happened to my mom and felt horrible for bringing the subject up. After a little while I was able to calm down. I am not sure why I got so upset and reacted the way I did but I felt like a totally idiot. Throughout the rest of the day I was not able to stop thinking about the event. My heart hurts. I miss my friend, my mentor, my source of advice, I miss my mom. I made the executive decision tonight that I have two options. One, I can let the loss of my mother effect me in a negative way or two, I can let it effect me in a positive way. I choose two. My mother was strong, independent, influential, loving, and completely priceless to me. I have decided that I am going to spend my time and talents trying to make her proud. I have talked to my husband, said some prayers, got advice from my sister and set goals for myself. I am going to do the honors program at school and get the most out of my tuition. I am going to run at least three times a week until I can prove to Ethan I am serious and then I will get a gym membership. I am going to start to read; my sister said she would read with me. I am going to start to take better care of myself like I promised my mom I would. I want to be the best me I can be. I am what is left of my mom and I have some big shoes to fill but I know I can do it.

She is everything I want to be

who knows

Life is a little wierd lately. Each day seems to repeat itself throghout the week; the same thing everyday for everyday of the week. Wake up, go to school, stay at school for 8 hours, come home, make dinner, clean house, say prayer, go to bed, repeat. I like to read other peoples blogs to keep myself up to date with the wonderful lives of my friends. I like to see how other peoples lives are going and I am so happy for them but I have to admitt at times I get a little descouraged. The blogs I read are full of "we went here" "we bought this" "we went on this date" "my baby is due" "my baby did" "life is wonderful.... I feel like I never have anything positive to report. My life is filled with trying to scrape by, 40 hours of school a week, dealing with death, and taking care of my dad. I realize that no ones life is perfect and I am grateful for the life that I have I just feel like I am Peter Pan; I am the only one not progressing and stuck where I am in life. Sometimes blogs depress me. I just had a long phone conversation with my sister about this subject she too feels that at time the grass seems greener on the other side. I love my husband and my family I just seems like it always has to get worse before it can get better.

An update on the last couple of weeks....

My dad is so feakin cute

Back at beauty school

My sister came to visit

Pics of me and all my boys

I was asked to be a model for a photo shoot for a student of paul mitchell. The theme was a mermaid so that is what these wierd pics of me are. It was fun to play model for the day but it hurt like crazy to take off. The real photoshoot is coming up soon so we will see how it goes.

And Life Goes On

So I did it. I have but aside my days of sleeping in and spending time with family and gone back to school. I have to admit I was worried to go back; I had left so abruptly and with no warning I was worried about what they would say. What is someone at school, besides the girls I consider close friends, reads this blog? Well everything went fine. No one at school knows and if they do they haven't said anything which I think is wonderful. It is hard to readjust back to going to school 40 a week but I am loving the distraction school provides. Ethan has been gone this past week in Seattle Washington doing training for his new job. I have to admit life is more entertaining when he is home. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder well it is true. I know he has only been gone for a few days but I keep having dreams that he has died too and it makes sleeping at night a little frustrating.