I have learned....

I have learned guilt is the emotion I feel more then any other. I feel guilt more then fear, sadness, even love. It is also my least favorite emotion to have. I keep wondering what if. I keep feeling like I could have done more or should have done less. I feel guilty. I hurt. I lost someone I looked up to; someone I loved dearly. I had a chance to save him and I couldn't. I watched him start to turn blue. I felt his ribs break under my palms as I pumped his chest on our front lawn and pleaded to God not to take him. I watched as the paramedics took over the CPR and the neighbors came out of their houses and watched. The entire world slowed down as fell to my knees in front of the world and violently pleaded with my Father in Heaven to let me be selfish and keep him. I have learned please is not a word that works. He was ready to take him but I was not ready to let him go. I rode with him in the ambulance because I could not bare the fact of him being alone. I have learned that even though your world stops everyone else's continues one.
I have learned that the day of the funeral is not the hardest part it is the nights afterwords. Sleeping is the hardest because you can't, and if you do it is not for long because history has a tendency to repeat itself in dreams. I relive that day in my head every night, just in case the once wasn't enough.
I have learned that it is the little things that you miss the most. I miss his laugh the most. Jokes are not as funny and movies are not as fun without that laugh. I miss him. He used to tell me I got prettier every day, I miss that.
I have learned that the Lord has a plan and it is ok for me to know the when and where but not the why. Why did he have to take him? Why did I loose my Brother, Mother, and Father in four years time. Why do I get to feel guilty all the time? I have learned that despite the why I have faith. I have faith that through the atonement of Christ that I will be with my family again. I have faith that trials are the biggest blessing we could get. I have faith that someday I will look back and be happy for this time in my life.
I have learned that is possible to smile on the outside while crying on the inside.