It's all my fault

My mom and dad would have been married for 25 years this December

There is never a dull moment. My mom woke up and was hysterical. She has what they call "terminal restlessness" what this means is that her body is getting ready to let go but her mind is not. Then her mind and her body get into this battle and there is no winner. She keeps trying to get out of bed and walk around but she doesn't have enough strength to do it with help much less by herself. Because her mind is starting to go she is under the impression that I have kidnapped her and am holding her against her will.

Last night my brother went into her room to check on her and caught her just in time before she fell. She grabbed his arms and dug her nails in. I put myself between them and assured her that it was OK and to just hug me. I thought that if she let go of him and hugged me I could get her back to bed safely... I thought right. I was able to get her to the bed safely little did I know that it was I that wasn't safe. Once I got her on the bed she proceeded to wrap her hands around my neck and choke me. She screamed "let me go you tell me the truth LIAR LIAR!" She then told me she was going to call the cops and I would pay for what I have been doing to her. What has happened? My mother hates me. She thinks that I am not her daughter. She told me that I wasn't her daughter and she wanted to talk to her real daughter the one that doesn't lie to her. I try to constantly remind myself that this is not my mom. This is a person that looks like my mom and it is her medicine talking. I feel so bad all the time. Every time I give her medicine I have to remind myself that this is what the hospice nurse told me to do and that I am not hurting her. The hospice nurse told me that as her body shuts down and because of the obstructions that she has it would be hurtful to give her food, all she would do is throw it up. If I am doing what I was told to do and what is right then why do I feel so bad? Why does she hate me? I love my mom with all my heart. She has taught me a lot, especially over the last two years. She has taken the challenge of cancer with a smile on her face and with love in her heart. She has pushed herself and done nothing but things for others. She is strong and powerful and a force to be reckoned with. If I turn out to have half of the testimony and conviction that my mother has I will consider myself blessed.

This is my all time picture of my mom. When she found out she had cancer and she was going to lose her hair she cut it off and dyed it hot pink, flipped off the camera and ____ to cancer!

This is when her hair grew back between chemo treatments, I think she looks beautiful.