So far so good

With medicine, a sponge bath, new sheets, teeth brushed, and new pajamas for my mom all before 9 am this morning is off to a good start. The only hard part about this morning was convincing my mom that the IV of morphine was not a chain that I was dragging her around with while trying to convince her not to pull it out, and opening the door. Opening the door to her room is always frightening. I wont up to give my mom her daily medicine and as always that was the scariest part of the day. I put one hand on the door handle, took a deep breath, and prepare myself for what I might find. I am always afraid I might open the door and find her dead but at the same time I wouldn't want anyone else but me to find her. Let me just sayt that in case by some miracle someone besides my friend James reads this I am not a self loathing person. I understand that I am not the only person in the world that has had a loved one suffer the way my mom is suffering and my heart goes out to anyone who has ever had to watch someone they love suffer, but this is my mom and I don't deal with things well. On the outside I am fine but the inside I am not. I wont talk about it out loud not even to my husband so this is it. It is still early in the day who knows what the rest of it will bring.