A little too late

So I do not update this enough. There is so much that has happened so far. From moving to Utah, to starting school at Paul Mitchell, to making two California trips, to getting a puppy, to celebrating our one year anniversary, to Ethan's sister's wedding in Virginia life has been one wild ride. I normally am a very private person but since I am 98% positive that no one reads this I have decided to take my blog in a different direction. Along with being something that updates people on the wonderful lives of the Clark family it will also be a place where I can't let my feelings out. According to my mother in law I am the kind of person that normally "rolls my sleeves up and get to work no matter what the circumstance is." I have decided that for the most part this is true but sometimes people just crack including me.

My mother has suffered form ovarian cancer for a while now. She is strong, independent, funny, outgoing, and determined. Three weeks ago we took her to the hospital because she was dehydrated, before this visit she was doing well and then everything changed. The doctor said she had a blockage in her bole. Then the time frame she had left went from 3 to 5 years to 2 to 4 months. Then next day once I had time to swallow and digest the new information I went back to the hospital to discuss what our options are at this visit then time frame narrowed again from 2 to 4 months to 2 to 3 days. It has been a roller coater of emotions. One minutes shes looking better the next she is down for the count.

She is at home now and on hospice. The hardest part is that she is not the mom that I know. She is an empty shell now. She looks like my mom, she smells like my mom, but she is not my mom. It is hard to explain. I have to give her medicine every four hours, she can't got to the bathroom by herself, I can't leave her for more then 10 minutes for fear that she might try to get up and walk around on her own and fall and hurt herself. I love my mom more then anything and I consider myself lucky to have this time to take care of my mother. I just want to emotionally detach myself from this situation but this blog proves that I can't. My heart hurts, my head hurts, my body aches all the time. I feel so completely drained. What is going to happen? How long will it take? These are questions that plague my mind constantly. I can't get my mind to stop long enough to sleep.