I was going through a box of paperwork trying to find the title to our car. Instead I found three letters written to me from my Mom. Letters that were unopened. My Mom took the time to write me at least every other day when I lived in Idaho and she was in Utah sick and I didn't even read them. I was so caught up with my own life and being newly married that I did even bother to take the time to open the envelope. My heart sank in my chest as I opened the envelopes and read my Mothers words. How could I be so selfish? How could I not see how valuables these letters would be to me? How did I not see how my Mother was reaching out to me in her time of need? She knew that someday I would miss her and these letters would be a way for me to remember and to show my kids who she was and I, I just threw them in a box without even breaking the seal. I am pretty sure my heart broke again as I read her words to me. How many times can a heart break? If I could go back there is so many things I would have done better. But I can't go back. I wish I could write my Mom now.
Dear Mom,
Thank you so much for your sweet letters; for taking the time out of your day to think of me. You always bring a smile to my face. Be patient with dad he has his faults but try to remember why your married him in the first place. I know Quincy has been taking good care of you both. He truly is a one of a kind. He has a big heart and loves to help people, a quality that you and dad taught him. I think it is great that you are teaching Bridgette how to decorate cakes. I know that the skill you have taught me have proved to be extremely valuable in more ways then one.
Mom I want to apologize. I want to apologize for everything that I did and did not do. I am sorry for not being there for you during your surgeries. I am sorry for not taking the time to write you back. I am sorry for not being there for you through Chemo. I am sorry that you felt you needed to hold on longer even though you were in pain because I was too selfish to let you go. I am sorry that my one job while you were on hospice was to keep you free of pain and I couldn't. I am sorry that I can't bring myself to visit your grave. I am sorry that I didn't take the time to learn more from you. I am sorry I didn't hug you more. I am sorry for not taking better care of you. But most of all I am sorry... sorry that I am mad. Mad at you for not going to the doctor sooner. Mad at you not being here when I need you. Mad that when I call your phone you don't answer when I really need to talk to my mom. Its not your fault but I need someone to blame and you always blame the ones you love most because you know they will forgive you no matter what. I know you forgive me mom but I wish you were here to tell me to forgive myself. I love you with all my heart.
I am so sorry,
Love Sarah Jean
1 comment:
Sweet girl, I wish I could give you a hug!
Remember that Christ died for our sins and our thoughtlessness and all of the things we had wished we didn't do. You are forgiven, and you just have to forgive yourself.
Even though I didn't know her, I know she would not want you to dwell on this and beat yourself up. All moms want the best for their kids, and she would want you to rejoice in the lord and your husband and family. You are a wonderful young woman, so don't ever forget it!!!!!
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