The Impossible Made Possible

If a heart could explode from gratitude mine would. There are absolutely no words that can describe the humility I feel today. I have a strong testimony that trials are the biggest blessings we can be given on this earth. We were sent here to be tested and to grow. It is through trials that we are tested to our limits and given the opportunity and privilege to grow and learn.
I had until the end of November to clean out my dads house. Unlike when my mother passed I have no where to put my Father's belongings. The stuff he owned needed to be sorted, divided and sold. My sister and I have been over at my dads house almost everyday the last month and made some good headway. The big problem was time. Today in November 27, which mean I had three day to accomplish what seemed like the impossible.
I have always had a hard time asking and accepting help. I guess it is a combination of the fact that I feel guilt easily and that I am just too prideful. Today I learned what humility and selflessness was. I mentioned at my work a few days ago that I could use some help. Today as I was working on my Dad's house my co-workers, my co-workers husbands and brothers, even my students showed up to help me. They accomplished in one day what I had been trying to do all month. I was so humbled and full of gratitude today I thought my heart would burst. These people have no clue the service they did for me today. They did not just clean out my Dad's house but they taught me a lesson. They taught me charity, the pure love of Christ. They taught me what true selflessness is. My sister got the my Dad's house later in the day. As she walked into the house and saw what had been accomplish all she could do was cry. My brothers did the same. I am a truly blessed individual.

Getting Ready for the Gravy Meltdown

I have a love hate relationship with Thanksgiving. I have the greatest memories of getting up at eight with my mom, who had been up since four. In our matching red aprons we would rock out to oldies and bake up a storm. My mom was from Mississippi and she believed that everything had to be from scratch. We would slice and dice and I would try to take notes. She always cooked for an army. We never cooked less the two 24lb birds because she thought that everyone should be able to take some home. The gravy was her specialty. She made it from scratch and NEVER used corn starch. She would make a roue' with oil and flour and whisk it until it was brown, then she would add the drippings from the turkey and the starch water from the potatoes and season to taste. It was never too salty or lumpy. It was so good you could feel your arteries tense just by smelling it! I made the mistake of not taking the time to write down my moms recipes before she passed. Now it is my job to make everything from scratch and get up at four with out her. All in all I think I do a pretty good job. I am not intimidated by a 24lbs turkey and I also believe everything should be made from scratch. But when it comes to the gravy..... every year ends with a gravy meltdown. I try to make the gravy as my mom did but I can never seem to get it just right. For some reason the gravy always end with me sitting on the floor, ladle in hand, crying. Ethan knows this happens and it always prepared. He watches me throughout the day cooking and tasting waiting for the gravy to come. Then with tissues in hand he sits on the floor with me and just lets me cry.
As I started baking pies today I was hit with the reality of how blessed I am. I have wonderful memories with my mom which is more then some can say. She taught me well. I have a sweet husband who without judgment or getting annoyed lets me cry over gravy. And even if I do not get it right this year I always have next year to try again. I have brothers who wont eat Thanksgiving anywhere else because only I can make it like mom used to. I am a very blessed individual.
Today is my mom's birthday and I have decided to celebrate with some oldies a red apron and some of her favorite recipes. Happy Birthday Mom and thank you for everything.

I have learned....

I have learned guilt is the emotion I feel more then any other. I feel guilt more then fear, sadness, even love. It is also my least favorite emotion to have. I keep wondering what if. I keep feeling like I could have done more or should have done less. I feel guilty. I hurt. I lost someone I looked up to; someone I loved dearly. I had a chance to save him and I couldn't. I watched him start to turn blue. I felt his ribs break under my palms as I pumped his chest on our front lawn and pleaded to God not to take him. I watched as the paramedics took over the CPR and the neighbors came out of their houses and watched. The entire world slowed down as fell to my knees in front of the world and violently pleaded with my Father in Heaven to let me be selfish and keep him. I have learned please is not a word that works. He was ready to take him but I was not ready to let him go. I rode with him in the ambulance because I could not bare the fact of him being alone. I have learned that even though your world stops everyone else's continues one.
I have learned that the day of the funeral is not the hardest part it is the nights afterwords. Sleeping is the hardest because you can't, and if you do it is not for long because history has a tendency to repeat itself in dreams. I relive that day in my head every night, just in case the once wasn't enough.
I have learned that it is the little things that you miss the most. I miss his laugh the most. Jokes are not as funny and movies are not as fun without that laugh. I miss him. He used to tell me I got prettier every day, I miss that.
I have learned that the Lord has a plan and it is ok for me to know the when and where but not the why. Why did he have to take him? Why did I loose my Brother, Mother, and Father in four years time. Why do I get to feel guilty all the time? I have learned that despite the why I have faith. I have faith that through the atonement of Christ that I will be with my family again. I have faith that trials are the biggest blessing we could get. I have faith that someday I will look back and be happy for this time in my life.
I have learned that is possible to smile on the outside while crying on the inside.

The home stretch

Sooo I don't really want to talk about the bet..... lets just say it hasn't been going so well. I am swamped with school. Yesterday I wrote a three page paper, a five page paper, and two two page papers not to mention all of my accounting. I have a thirty page feasibility study due on Friday and then finales next week and then I am done. If I can do well on my finales I am anticipating getting a good GPA which I am very happy about. I got a lot of flack for going to beauty school and numerous people told me not to do it because I wouldn't go back to college. Well I did go back and I just might get good grades on top of it.

Oh and the sun has finally decided to show its face in Utah and I couldn't be more happy. I walked outside for a total of 15 minutes today between classes and studying and I am PINK! Do you have any idea how white you have to be to get pink from 15 minute of intermittent sunshine? It was at the very moment that I realized how white I was that I thought about jumping in my car and heading to California where the sunshine all year long. I miss the sun and am sooooo looking forward for summer.

Ethan and I are both taking off some time from work in May. I will be putting in 50+ hours at work starting in June because 2 of the girls I work with will be on maternity leave so we decided that we should spend some time together in May while me had the chance. The only question is what to do? We thought about taking the boat and going to Powell with our dog for half the week and the other going up to Idaho to see friends. I really want to go to Cali but Ethan is not so sure. Any suggestions?

Just a Little Bet

Ok so here is the deal. I want to work out. I NEED to work out. I am 23 this is supposed to be the best I look in my life. Ethan will not let me get a gym membership because he thinks it is a waste of money and he probably right. I am not a fan of running and work out videos make me feel stupid. So what to do? I enjoy biking but find that with work and Utah's bipolar weather biking is not always the most logical thing. Well Ethan and I went to the Good Will or DI as they call it here and I found it. A old exercise bike, you know the one that has a big fan in the wheel that is super heavy? It was only $30 and I wanted it. I could put it in our garage and no matter if it snowed in June, which it does, I can go bike riding. Ethan said no. He doesn't work out he just has a good metabolism. So I begged and pleaded and still....... NO. So this is where the bet came in. He is a techno geek and he is want-y. He really wants and iPad. He says he wants it for me but I know better. SO, I told him if he let me get it I would make a deal with him. For the month of April I have to use the exercise bike 3 days a week for at least 20 minutes. If I don't use it then he gets an iPad. It is a win win for me. Motivation and the bike. For Ethan if I lose he gets an iPad if I win he gets a tighter bum.

To be honest I REALLY do not want to lose this cause the last thing he needs is a iPad so here goes nothin!

I for the life of me cannot shake this cold. I just feel stuffy all the time. I never get sick so this is new for me. It is almost April which means the last month of school and I am getting excited for summer. Ethan is applying for a graphic design job at Skull Candy so keep it in your prayers that he gets it. It would mean worlds for us!

how many times can a heart break?

I was going through a box of paperwork trying to find the title to our car. Instead I found three letters written to me from my Mom. Letters that were unopened. My Mom took the time to write me at least every other day when I lived in Idaho and she was in Utah sick and I didn't even read them. I was so caught up with my own life and being newly married that I did even bother to take the time to open the envelope. My heart sank in my chest as I opened the envelopes and read my Mothers words. How could I be so selfish? How could I not see how valuables these letters would be to me? How did I not see how my Mother was reaching out to me in her time of need? She knew that someday I would miss her and these letters would be a way for me to remember and to show my kids who she was and I, I just threw them in a box without even breaking the seal. I am pretty sure my heart broke again as I read her words to me. How many times can a heart break? If I could go back there is so many things I would have done better. But I can't go back. I wish I could write my Mom now.

Dear Mom,
Thank you so much for your sweet letters; for taking the time out of your day to think of me. You always bring a smile to my face. Be patient with dad he has his faults but try to remember why your married him in the first place. I know Quincy has been taking good care of you both. He truly is a one of a kind. He has a big heart and loves to help people, a quality that you and dad taught him. I think it is great that you are teaching Bridgette how to decorate cakes. I know that the skill you have taught me have proved to be extremely valuable in more ways then one.
Mom I want to apologize. I want to apologize for everything that I did and did not do. I am sorry for not being there for you during your surgeries. I am sorry for not taking the time to write you back. I am sorry for not being there for you through Chemo. I am sorry that you felt you needed to hold on longer even though you were in pain because I was too selfish to let you go. I am sorry that my one job while you were on hospice was to keep you free of pain and I couldn't. I am sorry that I can't bring myself to visit your grave. I am sorry that I didn't take the time to learn more from you. I am sorry I didn't hug you more. I am sorry for not taking better care of you. But most of all I am sorry... sorry that I am mad. Mad at you for not going to the doctor sooner. Mad at you not being here when I need you. Mad that when I call your phone you don't answer when I really need to talk to my mom. Its not your fault but I need someone to blame and you always blame the ones you love most because you know they will forgive you no matter what. I know you forgive me mom but I wish you were here to tell me to forgive myself. I love you with all my heart.
I am so sorry,
Love Sarah Jean

Swim Suit

Every summer I want to by a cute new swim suit. You know? the one swim suit that I will feel totally cute and sassy in. But I never feel cute and sassy in a swim suit. I just wish there was a way to order the body that came in the swim suit to!

sick sick sick

So for the past couple of days I haven't been feeling 100% but nothing too bad. I have a philosophy about being sick. When I don't feel well I force myself to get out of bed, shower, put makeup on, and do something. I also drink a ton of water and take small naps. For the most part I never get sick. I try no to take medicine if I don't have to and it works. I am still able to get up and go and do without it being a problem. My husband on the other hand feels like he has the black plague every time he sneezes. So now he is sick and I am taking care of him. I think it is a boy thing. They are all big and manly until they get a cold!

My Cute Little Family

Kissing, taking a picture, and driving now that is talent!

Ninety percent of our pictures are taken while we are in the car and driving. Our kids are going to wonder why we never took pics from farther away then arms length.

I got some new sandals for the summer and I LOVE them! I have a serious love for shoes and these and my new favorites!



Today the birds are out and the sun is shining! My cute hubby and I got to play catch outside and enjoy the weather. Then after we played baseball and football we had a picnic in the front yard followed by some tres leche cake with strawberries on top. All in all today has been great!

So yesterday was fun. My sister niece and I went into Paul Mitchell and got our hair done and I got my lip wax which I have never done before and now feel sorry for all the poor souls I have done it for in the past. Afterwards we went out to lunch at a underground sandwich shop. I had my camera with me the whole time and did not take one picture!! Sad I know I need to get better at taking pictures. After lunch we came back to my house and were both so tired we took a nap on my couch while my niece watched a princess movie. Then my little brother came over and I took him shopping to get some new clothes. He did the HCG diet and lost about 50lbs and looks great I am so proud of him. Then we came home and played tetris on Super Nintendo which has got to be the best gaming system ever made!!! I love Nintendo.
Today my hubby has the day off till four so we are going to buy a soccer ball and a softball and go play in the sun. I am sick for the first time in forever but am so excited about my time off that I refused to rest I just wanna play!

Things I am grateful for today
Time off
Dayquil
The grass in my yard
Sandals

SPRING BREAK!

So I some how managed to get all my homework and tests done. I worked today and now have tomorrow and Friday off! I have not been so excited to have a few days off in my life. This semester hasn't been too bad but it is my first one back in college and I am still getting the hang of things. Tomorrow my sister and my niece and coming down and we are going to go to my school and get some pampering done and then we are going to have lunch and who knows what I will do Friday the possibilities are endless!

Thing I like today:
The smell of the sun
Seeing everyone in green
My front yard
And sinus medicine

"Procrastination is like masturbation... the only one you are screwing is yourself"

This is me procrastinating. I have a outrageous amount of homework to do along with church work to do and I lack the motivation to do either. Why is that procrastination comes so easily? Every time I do it I think to myself, "next time I am going to get this done sooner so I wont have to cram like this" and next time roles around and history repeats itself. Well, at least I know that I am consistent so maybe instead of trying to not procrastinate I should try to enjoy the cram session that comes with it. You have two choices in life, Bitter or Better. I try to always choose Better.



Things I am thankful for today:
Church Callings
The Young Women I teach
The sunshine that comes through the window
Heating pad
And most of all the sound of my hubby's laughter coming from the other room

Spring is a Tease

I have made the executive decision that I do not like spring. Spring is a tease. It is like a women wearing red lipstick on a third date. You know are guaranteed a kiss on the third date and the girl is wearing red lipstick. The lipstick says "hey look at my lips but DON'T touch cause you will smear my lipstick" That is how spring in Utah is. It was sunny and nice outside like t-shirt weather. The next day is snowed and today it is sunny again. What will tomorrow bring? Spring you are a tease! I just want it to be summer already. Summer doesn't tease you it is warm outside everyday without fail summer is guaranteed to put out.

Homework Homework, Work, Homework, Church, and More Homework

Life is busy right now, good but busy. I have been struggling with balancing all the things I have got going on.

Things I decided I am thankful for today: my cute little house, my sister, fresh sheets, my heating pad, and chicken nuggets.