......................................................

Today is my mothers birthday. She died to young and I am too young to be without a mother.

Happy Birthday Mom

Barbara Jean Adams

November 24,1948 to August 7,2008

Funeral

My brothers raising the flag at half mass in honor of our mother

Peter Pan'n It

This last weekend my husband and I went to Rexburg Idaho, where we went to college and met, so he could make a film with some of his friends and I could have a small little weekend away. It was a bitter sweet trip. It was great to see all of our friends. As we sat at dinner with someone of them it made me kinda sad. Everyone I know is progressing with their lives. Most of my friend are pregnant and starting their families, or going on missions, about to graduate with school, and live in cute apartments and have their own lives. I feel like right now I am in a peter pan stage, I am not yet a women and not a child. Ethan and I have made some sacrifices as a couple to be here for my family. Don't get me wrong, with these sacrifices comes great reward. I just feel like everyone is progressing and I, or we are not. I will be taking care of my dad for the rest of his life. I love him and there is such a comfort in knowing that I am doing my all to keep the commandment to honor thy mother and father. He is all I have left as of three months ago and I want no regrets. I find myself at time looking at apartments online just for fun and as I am cleaning the house wondering what it would be like to have my own place again. I upset with myself for thinking these thoughts because if I learned anything from the death of my mother it is that time is always too short. It has been a relatively short time since the passing of my mother and I have to remind myself of that all the time. Too often I think that is no longer ok for me to be sad because she has been gone for longer then a week. As her birthday and Thanksgiving rolls around I am plagued with regret. Why didn't I write down her stuffing recipe? Why didn't I make a bigger deal of her last birthday? Why didn't I just hold her hand when she asked me to? Why didn't I....?

I Don't Want to Get Involved

I really don't want to get involved with the whole "yes" or "no" on proposition 8 movement. I just want to say that my heart is heavy for everyone that is being hurt by this "proposition." My heart goes out to the members of the Gay and Lesbian population that feel wronged by the decision and my heart goes out to the LDS church and its members for the attack that is against them. It saddens me. My prayers and thoughts are with everyone. As I sad before I believe in opposition in all things. Right now things are bad but hopefully soon they will be that much better.

Bold and Sassy

A little while ago I was sitting at the table with my husband having lunch after church and some how the subject came up of how he would describe me. When I asked the question he said without hesitation, "Bold and Sassy!" I replied, "really?" he then said, "yep. Asked my mom there is a story that goes along with the way I like my women." So then I called his mother and asked her, " how does Ethan like his women?" She then replied, "my baby likes his women bold and sassy that is why we were not surprised at all when he said he wanted to marry you Sarah dear because you are definitely bold and sassy." She then proceeded to tell me the story of when Ethan was 3 and why he likes his women bold and sassy. Of all the things that could be said to describe me and he said, "bold and sassy." I LOVE it! I am my mothers daughter and I get it from her. I would take bold and sassy any day!

All in Good Time

Life has been exciting as usual. I went to a lovely Halloween party. I went as a 1920's flapper mostly because I really wanted to do my hair in finger waves. My husband went as a 1970's cop. His costume was funny until he shaved off his beard to make the costume look more legit. I am a fan of the facial hair and needless to say was not happy when he shaved it off. Then it was my friend Sherri's birthday so we had a small party at school. This last Saturday night Ethan and I went to a Venue called OZZ in Provo to watch our brother-in-law compete at the battle of the bands. It was so much fun. Just the kind of night out that I needed. I really like my sister-in-laws; they are always fun and make me laugh. We went, danced, they won, and then we went out to Denny's for a midnight snack. I was taught that there is opposition in all things; life is hard but days like Saturday are worth it.

Look at the statutory stache my husband now has

The finger waves



My friends birthday

Update... brace yourself its not pretty

To be completely honest I feel like most of the time I have nothing noteworthy to report. All the new I have has to be with someone just dying, the anniversary of some one's death, or someone is in the hospital. We celebrated my little brother's 20th birthday on the 11th but my dad being emitted to the hospital put a little bit of a damper on things. I made a complete fool out of myself in front of the Bill Gates of Paul Mitchell on the 14th, it wasn't pretty lets not talk about it. My teacher at school got married and I made her wedding cake. It was a lot of work but totally worth it cause my mother taught me how to make cakes and I think the end result would have made her proud. She wanted a simple cake to go along with her relatively simple but elegant and beautiful wedding. The wedding happened to be on the 18th which is the two year anniversary of my brother Nathan's death. It was a hard day but the cake helped to keep my mind off of things. After dropping off the cake to the reception my little brother and I went to go visit my dad who is STILL in the hospital. We originally took him in because he was retaining water which is not good for someone with congestive heart failure. As we went to go visit we found out that he had an infection that spread to his blood stream, muscle spasms that left him basically crippled, and had to have surgery on his wrist. I was upset seeing all that was going on with my dad and wondered why the doctor had not kept us informed. I walked with my brother to the nurses station and asked if I could talk to the physician that was on duty her reply was, " well.... sure.... but is your mom with you?" I quickly replied "my mom is dead you're gonna have to talk to me" I understand I look young for my age but really? He is still in the hospital but we are hoping he will be home soon. Other then that not much to report.... oh yeah and I have strep throat!

I was talking to Ethan last night about how I really sound like a depressing person and that our lives at this point in time are mildly depressing. I am not depressed I enjoy my life. I just feel that the LDS population or our generation has redefined the meaning of the word "blog" Our blogs seen to be filled with nothing but the positive wonderful great things in our lives and nothing that is real. I find most blogs depressing because all they say is how wonderful everyone one Else's lives are and I feel they paint a unreal picture perfect world. Come on people I know you have bad days be honest. Lets here about the bad days once in awhile at least so I don't feel so bad. =)

Nathan Adams

My siblings and I paying tribute to our brother by "mooning" the casket.... if you new him you would understand

The wedding cake I made

Tagged

Ok so I was reading my cute friend Kellee's blog and she tagged me. So here it goes...

8 TV Shows You Watch...

1. What Not to Wear
2. The Hills
3. What Not to Wear
4. Project Runway
5. America's Next Top Model
6. What Not to Wear
7. CSI
8. and What Not to Wear

Favorite Restaurants...

1. DONUT WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!
2. Cafe Rio
3. Macaroni Grill
4. Red Robin
5. Fresco
6. Wynn Buffet
7. Bueno Vita
8. My mom's kitchen.... No one could top my moms cooking...

Things that Happened Yesterday...

1.Went to school
2. Went shopping with Ruby
3. Lost/got my wallet stolen in forever 21
4. Searched for my wallet
5. Didn't find my wallet
6. Went to dinner with hubby and friends
7. Had sleep over with Ruby
8. Was pissed about getting my wallet stolen

8 Thing I Look Forward To...

1. The first time I feel my moms presence around me when I need her the most
2. Financial stability
3. Being done with school
4. Making something of myself
5. Having children
6. Having more time with my husband
7. Buying my first house
8. Being with all my family again in heaven

8 Things On My Wish List...

1. Being with my mom and brother again
2. Everything on previous top eight
3. Being able to buy something without worry about cost
4. For my sister to move back to Utah
5. Being a top make-up and hair artist
6. For my husband to be successful
7. To always be happy
8. To go on vacation with just me and my husband

Time for a Change

I chopped off all of my hair, bleached most of it, and dyed some purple... what do you think?

I couldn't help it

So my little brother recently had surgery on his wrist. He had to write a paper for his english class and needless to say found typing quite difficult. So naturally he asked me to help. He had to write about one incident that completely changed his life. He chose to write about my mom. Well I couldn't help it I basically wrote the paper for him. (don't tell his teacher)

It was August of 2006 when one doctors appointment determined how my life would be for the next couple of years. She had not been feeling well for sometime but you couldn’t tell by her attitude. It was the last day of my Eagle Scout project and we had been working hard all day. The phone rang; the doctor called to set up an appointment and asked my mother and father to come in to talk. Ovarian cancer is a funny thing. It is nearly impossible to detect and in my mom’s case was detected too late. She didn’t tell me right away. She made a statement while we were driving, “you won’t be able to do that when I am not here.“ I asked question after question until my dad pulled the car over and she looked at me and said, “I have cancer.“ The word “cancer” left me confused. I knew cancer was an illness and I knew what I had seen on television but I had no idea how physically, emotionally, and mentally it would be on all of my family. She had in stage, stage five ovarian cancer and the time frame was short. They gave her six months to a year to live. Six months to a year for any other person but doctor did not know my how stubborn my mother was.
Times where hard. My days where spent in hospitals, chemo appointments, and doctors visits. The first chemo session put her in the hospital for two weeks. The tumor that was the size of two softballs had let out a poison into her body that nearly took her life. Infectious disease teams where brought in from around the state to help her. Her next surgery took place in November of 2006. She has over 30 pounds of internal organs removed that had been attacked by the cancer. She spent a month in the hospital and 53 staples and a lot of pain later she was able to return home. Two tubes remained in her side for the next month to help drain any infection from where her spleen was. It took her three months to be strong enough to go back on chemo. Another tumor the size of a softball formed where her spleen used to be and put her back in the hospital for surgery. Chemo attacks the fast growing cells and makes the healing time slower. It took her months to recover from the surgeries she had been through.
The next little while was full of ups and downs. She tried chemo after chemo and nothing seemed to be working. It was inevitable, there was no cure for the cancer but she refused to give up. She took every punch the cancer had to give her and then just turned the other cheek. She had the philosophy that you are only given what you can handle and she was ready for the challenge. She continued to do the things she wasn’t supposed to. She went camping, fishing, shopping, and even learned to quilt. She just decided that she was going to be herself with or without cancer. It was around July 2008 that things took a dramatic turn for the worse. Chemo has a tendency to upset the stomach and cause vomiting. Although vomiting is normal my mom started to throw up everything that she ate. After some convincing she let me take her to the hospital to make sure that everything was alright. I wasn’t ready for what happened next. She had tumors in her bowls that caused an obstruction. The obstruction didn’t allow any food to pass through her small or large intestines. The doctor said that this was it. She refused to believe it was true and with a tube through her noise pumping out the contents of her stomach and with no food or water for a total of three days she took her last round of chemo. The pain finally was too much to bear. She called my family into her hospital room and with eyes swollen with tears and a crack in her voice asked, “would you be disappointed with me if I gave up?” It wasn’t the doctors appointment, or the news of my mom getting cancer that changed my life it was those words. A couple of small words changed my life and the lives of my family forever.
It was August 7, 2008 when my mother died in our house on hospice. She doubled the time frame she was given and she did it with spunk and humor. She was strong, stubborn, independent, loud, obnoxious, rude, and completely priceless; she was my best friend.

Executive Decision

So after setting up for a school event today I and about five other girls that were in charge had some down time so we just sat down and started talking. The conversation was good and it was a great way to get extra hours for school. Then some of the girls started talking about another girl they know whos brother had died awhile ago and how she was doing. They started saying things like, "well she smiles all the time and acts like she is fine but that makes me wonder if she is even dealing with it at all." The conversation then went into death and how people deal with death and death death death death. How people feel about death and how it must feel to have someone die. I haven't really told many people I go to school with or many people in general about the recent death of my mother. I don't want to use my mothers death as an excuse to get sympathy or to have people feel sorry for me. So as they were talking about the subject of death I just sat in my chair and stared off trying not to let the topic effect my emotions. Then my heart started to pound really hard and my palms got sweaty and started to shake. Then my chest got tight and it was hard to breathe. I stood up and ran to the other room to find a bag; I totally had a panic attack. After I was able to calm down I just started to cry. My teacher, who is only two years older then me, followed me into the room and preceded to apologize; to my surprise she new what happened to my mom and felt horrible for bringing the subject up. After a little while I was able to calm down. I am not sure why I got so upset and reacted the way I did but I felt like a totally idiot. Throughout the rest of the day I was not able to stop thinking about the event. My heart hurts. I miss my friend, my mentor, my source of advice, I miss my mom. I made the executive decision tonight that I have two options. One, I can let the loss of my mother effect me in a negative way or two, I can let it effect me in a positive way. I choose two. My mother was strong, independent, influential, loving, and completely priceless to me. I have decided that I am going to spend my time and talents trying to make her proud. I have talked to my husband, said some prayers, got advice from my sister and set goals for myself. I am going to do the honors program at school and get the most out of my tuition. I am going to run at least three times a week until I can prove to Ethan I am serious and then I will get a gym membership. I am going to start to read; my sister said she would read with me. I am going to start to take better care of myself like I promised my mom I would. I want to be the best me I can be. I am what is left of my mom and I have some big shoes to fill but I know I can do it.

She is everything I want to be

who knows

Life is a little wierd lately. Each day seems to repeat itself throghout the week; the same thing everyday for everyday of the week. Wake up, go to school, stay at school for 8 hours, come home, make dinner, clean house, say prayer, go to bed, repeat. I like to read other peoples blogs to keep myself up to date with the wonderful lives of my friends. I like to see how other peoples lives are going and I am so happy for them but I have to admitt at times I get a little descouraged. The blogs I read are full of "we went here" "we bought this" "we went on this date" "my baby is due" "my baby did" "life is wonderful.... I feel like I never have anything positive to report. My life is filled with trying to scrape by, 40 hours of school a week, dealing with death, and taking care of my dad. I realize that no ones life is perfect and I am grateful for the life that I have I just feel like I am Peter Pan; I am the only one not progressing and stuck where I am in life. Sometimes blogs depress me. I just had a long phone conversation with my sister about this subject she too feels that at time the grass seems greener on the other side. I love my husband and my family I just seems like it always has to get worse before it can get better.

An update on the last couple of weeks....

My dad is so feakin cute

Back at beauty school

My sister came to visit

Pics of me and all my boys

I was asked to be a model for a photo shoot for a student of paul mitchell. The theme was a mermaid so that is what these wierd pics of me are. It was fun to play model for the day but it hurt like crazy to take off. The real photoshoot is coming up soon so we will see how it goes.

And Life Goes On

So I did it. I have but aside my days of sleeping in and spending time with family and gone back to school. I have to admit I was worried to go back; I had left so abruptly and with no warning I was worried about what they would say. What is someone at school, besides the girls I consider close friends, reads this blog? Well everything went fine. No one at school knows and if they do they haven't said anything which I think is wonderful. It is hard to readjust back to going to school 40 a week but I am loving the distraction school provides. Ethan has been gone this past week in Seattle Washington doing training for his new job. I have to admit life is more entertaining when he is home. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder well it is true. I know he has only been gone for a few days but I keep having dreams that he has died too and it makes sleeping at night a little frustrating.

I am my mother's daughter

my heros

Today make two weeks since my mother's funeral. It was a beautiful service. People came from other states to pay their respects. I am overwhelmed by how many people she left an impression with. I have had people I don't even know send me cards and email about how she either helped them or made them laugh. I miss her badly. I am LDS and I do have a testimony of the Atonement. I know that families can be together forever and I do try to keep an eternal perspective. I know that if I live my life right I can be with her again but I also know that it is ok for me to be sad and to feel hurt. I lost my mother. My kids will never know how wonderful she was. I can't call her when I have something important to tell her, even though I still do just to hear her voice on the recording. Every time I close my eyes I see her face and the thing that scares me the most is the day that I close my eyes and don't. I do not feel sorry for myself. I know the Lord has a plan and it is not my job to ask questions I am just supposed to have faith and do my part.... but it still hurts. I do trust the Lord and I am grateful for trials, I think they are the biggest blessings an individual can have. It is through trials that we are given the greatest opportunitys to grow. My mom taught me to be strong, to hold my head up, to remember that there is nothing that I can't do, and most of all she taught me the gospel and to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I do trust the Lord, I have lost my Brother, Grandfather, Grandmother, and My Mother in a less then a year and a half...... I just wonder what else he has in store for me? What ever it is I am ready and willing. I am my mother's daughter.

Denial

Today my dad was talking about us all getting out of the house and going to a movie and my response was, "well no I will stay and look after mom." I guess it is still not real.

Please just don't say anything

Shes gone. She passed away at 8:05pm. Its not ok. Its not going to be ok. It hurts.

It's all my fault

My mom and dad would have been married for 25 years this December

There is never a dull moment. My mom woke up and was hysterical. She has what they call "terminal restlessness" what this means is that her body is getting ready to let go but her mind is not. Then her mind and her body get into this battle and there is no winner. She keeps trying to get out of bed and walk around but she doesn't have enough strength to do it with help much less by herself. Because her mind is starting to go she is under the impression that I have kidnapped her and am holding her against her will.

Last night my brother went into her room to check on her and caught her just in time before she fell. She grabbed his arms and dug her nails in. I put myself between them and assured her that it was OK and to just hug me. I thought that if she let go of him and hugged me I could get her back to bed safely... I thought right. I was able to get her to the bed safely little did I know that it was I that wasn't safe. Once I got her on the bed she proceeded to wrap her hands around my neck and choke me. She screamed "let me go you tell me the truth LIAR LIAR!" She then told me she was going to call the cops and I would pay for what I have been doing to her. What has happened? My mother hates me. She thinks that I am not her daughter. She told me that I wasn't her daughter and she wanted to talk to her real daughter the one that doesn't lie to her. I try to constantly remind myself that this is not my mom. This is a person that looks like my mom and it is her medicine talking. I feel so bad all the time. Every time I give her medicine I have to remind myself that this is what the hospice nurse told me to do and that I am not hurting her. The hospice nurse told me that as her body shuts down and because of the obstructions that she has it would be hurtful to give her food, all she would do is throw it up. If I am doing what I was told to do and what is right then why do I feel so bad? Why does she hate me? I love my mom with all my heart. She has taught me a lot, especially over the last two years. She has taken the challenge of cancer with a smile on her face and with love in her heart. She has pushed herself and done nothing but things for others. She is strong and powerful and a force to be reckoned with. If I turn out to have half of the testimony and conviction that my mother has I will consider myself blessed.

This is my all time picture of my mom. When she found out she had cancer and she was going to lose her hair she cut it off and dyed it hot pink, flipped off the camera and ____ to cancer!

This is when her hair grew back between chemo treatments, I think she looks beautiful.

Loooong night

So last night my mom shift ended about 1am, then of course I couldn't sleep so I decided to watch a movie which put me getting to be around 2:30am. At 3:30am I got woken up by my brother, "sarah mom woke up and tried to get out of bed and fell! she is hysterical, I need your help!" From 3:30am to almost 5am I sat with my mom on the floor calming her down and eventually getting her back to bed. I finally was able to go back to sleep when my brother woke me up once again at 6:30am cause he had an appointment to look at a car and he needed me to watch mom. So I went back to check on my mom and she once again was awake and trying to escape her hospital bed. From 6:30am until 9am I was verbally wrestling with my mom to keep her from getting up. As I was talking to her I noticed some bruses that formed on her hip and shoulder from where she fell. Now it looks like I beat my mother, which I am not gonna lie at one point last night when she was yelling at me the thought crossed my mind. Don't worry I did not act on my feelings. Anyways there is still 11 hours left in the day anything can happen!

Mom didn't want to sleep alone anymore so my dad crawled in bed with her I thought it was cute

Pictures

My puppy

Fourth of July and Paul Mitchell
I was a hair show model for Paul Mitchell

Camping with my family

My best friends graduation in cali

I have decided that blogs are just boring without pictures.... so there are some of the things we have been up to since we moved to Utah.

P.S mom is put to bed and overall she had a good day. I would like to go to bed but my mom shift doesn't end for a few more hours so this is what keeps me busy.

So far so good

With medicine, a sponge bath, new sheets, teeth brushed, and new pajamas for my mom all before 9 am this morning is off to a good start. The only hard part about this morning was convincing my mom that the IV of morphine was not a chain that I was dragging her around with while trying to convince her not to pull it out, and opening the door. Opening the door to her room is always frightening. I wont up to give my mom her daily medicine and as always that was the scariest part of the day. I put one hand on the door handle, took a deep breath, and prepare myself for what I might find. I am always afraid I might open the door and find her dead but at the same time I wouldn't want anyone else but me to find her. Let me just sayt that in case by some miracle someone besides my friend James reads this I am not a self loathing person. I understand that I am not the only person in the world that has had a loved one suffer the way my mom is suffering and my heart goes out to anyone who has ever had to watch someone they love suffer, but this is my mom and I don't deal with things well. On the outside I am fine but the inside I am not. I wont talk about it out loud not even to my husband so this is it. It is still early in the day who knows what the rest of it will bring.

A little too late

So I do not update this enough. There is so much that has happened so far. From moving to Utah, to starting school at Paul Mitchell, to making two California trips, to getting a puppy, to celebrating our one year anniversary, to Ethan's sister's wedding in Virginia life has been one wild ride. I normally am a very private person but since I am 98% positive that no one reads this I have decided to take my blog in a different direction. Along with being something that updates people on the wonderful lives of the Clark family it will also be a place where I can't let my feelings out. According to my mother in law I am the kind of person that normally "rolls my sleeves up and get to work no matter what the circumstance is." I have decided that for the most part this is true but sometimes people just crack including me.

My mother has suffered form ovarian cancer for a while now. She is strong, independent, funny, outgoing, and determined. Three weeks ago we took her to the hospital because she was dehydrated, before this visit she was doing well and then everything changed. The doctor said she had a blockage in her bole. Then the time frame she had left went from 3 to 5 years to 2 to 4 months. Then next day once I had time to swallow and digest the new information I went back to the hospital to discuss what our options are at this visit then time frame narrowed again from 2 to 4 months to 2 to 3 days. It has been a roller coater of emotions. One minutes shes looking better the next she is down for the count.

She is at home now and on hospice. The hardest part is that she is not the mom that I know. She is an empty shell now. She looks like my mom, she smells like my mom, but she is not my mom. It is hard to explain. I have to give her medicine every four hours, she can't got to the bathroom by herself, I can't leave her for more then 10 minutes for fear that she might try to get up and walk around on her own and fall and hurt herself. I love my mom more then anything and I consider myself lucky to have this time to take care of my mother. I just want to emotionally detach myself from this situation but this blog proves that I can't. My heart hurts, my head hurts, my body aches all the time. I feel so completely drained. What is going to happen? How long will it take? These are questions that plague my mind constantly. I can't get my mind to stop long enough to sleep.